GETTING YOUR SNUGGIE FREAK ON: So I was checking out those fancy, new animal-print SNUGGIES online the other day thinking maybe I'd get me, the wife, and our dogs a few when I stumbled across a website called The Snuggie Sutra.

It's like the classic Kama Sutra sex guide only it shows you different sex positions that involve your Snuggie!!!

My personal favorite, by the way, is "The Tablecloth." That's when the girl ... well, let's just say it involves the Snuggie's armholes. Anyhoo ... those cold El Paso nights are coming so here's the link in case you ever want to get your Snuggie freak on!

WHY HEALTHCARE IS SO EXPENSIVE: Here's a joke a came across that illustrates why you're paying an arm and a leg every month to have health insurance ...

A woman brought a very limp duck to the vet and laid her pet on the table. The vet pulled out his stethoscope, listened to the bird's chest and after a moment or two, shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, your duck is dead."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure? How can you be so sure? I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

So the vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. The Lab stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

Then the vet brought in cat, which jumped on the table and also sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat looked up at the vet, shook its head, Meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet said, "I'm sorry, but like I said, the duck is dead." Then he hands her a bill for $250.

The duck's owner cries out"$250? Just to tell me my duck is dead?" The vet shrugged and said, "If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $250."

WHY DOESN'T HE CALL?: I overheard some girls discussing the other day some date one of them went on and how he hadn't called since.

They wondered why some guys don't call after what seemed like a great date. Sometimes even after they tell you they had a nice time. Why don't you ever hear from them ever again, they wanted to know. It would be nice to know why, they all agreed.

Now they didn't ask for my opinion, as I was more eavesdropping than anything else, but if they had here's what I would've said: "Isn't not calling the same as calling?"

In other words, he didn't call again so isn't the message the same as if he DID call to say it wasn't going to work out, have a nice life?

And the reason most guys don't call is because you ladies won't just leave it at that. You want details. For instance, if a guy called you a day or two later and said thanks but no thanks he just ain't feeling you, you wouldn't just say, "OK, that's cool. Sorry you feel that way. Bye". Nope. You'd likely have a list of questions. And NO guy wants to spend time answering questions from a girl he likes, much less one he's not into.

And that's why some guys would rather you just got the hint.

BETTER THAN SEX: A new survey in The Netherlands finds 88% of the people polled said the most enjoyable activity they do is go to the bathroom. That was followed by chatting with friends and outdoor activities. Way down the list? Sex.

I know some of you are reading this going 'What the???!!!'. But I have to agree. I always thought when you go out to eat…and it hits you wrong… you know, your stomach is grumbling and you’re crossing your butt-cheeks and your eyes as you race home. And when you finally get to sit down…that feeling is better than the best sex you’ve ever had.

You know what I’m talking about? Your arms are covered with goose-bumps and the hair is standing up on the back of your neck. You can’t beat that feeling.

Or maybe it's just me.

THIS JUST IN!: It's an urgent breaking news flash, friends ... Texting while you drive is not safe. Yes, we now have "the first study of drivers texting inside their vehicles" to show us that texting and driving is bad.

The $6 million-dollar study by the Virginia Tech Transportation Institute was conducted by outfitting the cabs of 18 wheelers with video cameras over the course of a month and half. what they found is that when drivers texted, their risk of getting in an accident was 23 times greater than when not texting. They also found that in the moments before a crash or near crash, drivers typically spent nearly five seconds looking at their devices. At 65 mph, that's enough time to cover more than the length of a football field! The director for the Institute that conducted the study says this not only proves you should never text while driving, "It should be illegal.”

Umm. Question. Why do we need somebody to pass a law to tell us it's a bad idea to take your eyes and mind off the road while operating the equivalent of a 2000 pound bullet?

And why do we have to spend $6 million on a study to find all this out? Shouldn't it just be common sense? What can be so important that it's worth your or my life?

WHEN DID UNDERWEAR BECOME SO COMPLICATED?: I recently went shopping for a few things for my boy, Mookie, one of which was underwear. When did underwear become so complicated? There were ... Briefs
Boxers
Boxer-Briefs
Trunks
Thongs

Made of ...

Woven cotton
Knit cotton
Lycra
Spandex
"Microfiber" synthetics

In high-rise, mid-rise or low-rise in your choice of a zillion colors and patterns. It's enough to make your head spin.

Underwear used to be simple back in the day. It went like this: diapers, Underoos, then Tighty-whiteys 'til your death.

Why does everything have to be so complicated these days?

I LOVES ME THE CHICK 'ZINES: I'm as manly as they come. Although my wife and morning show partners would beg to differ. In fact, I'm man enough to admit that I love flipping through the chick magazines.

I find them not only educational - it's like reading their playbook - but pretty on most of the time. Like the one on the 4 Things You Should Never Joke With A Man About.

According to the Yenta's at Cosmo, when you're making lighthearted jokes about a man, stay away from the following supersensitive subjects. I'll stop them when they're lying.

#1.) HAIR LOSS. If he's thinning even a little bit, it's probably a sore subject.

#2.) HIS PAYCHECK. If his salary is less than impressive and his wife or girlfriend jokes that she's a sugar mama, he's bound to feel emasculated. It's a little stone age, I know, but most men still like to think THEY'RE the ones who bring home the bacon.

#3.) HIS MOM. HE'S allowed to joke about his mom but if you or anyone else does it, it's a different story. Most men get defensive about their moms, and making jokes can quickly start a fight.

#4.) HIS UNIT. Joking about how underwhelming a guy's package is might seem lighthearted, but if there's any truth to it . . . or even if there's not . . . he won't think it's funny at all.

Yup, Yup, Yup, and Yup! Especially the last one. Take it from a guy ... keep quiet about his junk. Unless you plan on lying, and saying it's enormous!